The Oscars 2011

So, it's Oscars Night! As I settle down ready to stay up all night watching a ceremony that will likely bore the tits off me, I felt the urge to give my opinion on the ten movies nominated for Best Picture. Truth be told, it's one of the best years for The Academy I can remember – nominations for directors like Fincher, Aronofsky and the Coens, and a nomination for Trent feckin' Reznor? Hard to fault. And, after watching all the Best Picture noms, I have to say none of them disappoint. But I thought it may be of interest to the NO-ONE who reads this blog, to rank all ten in my order of preference. If The Academy don't pick The King's Speech I'll eat my own foot, but here's what the Apocademy would award.

10 = The Kids Are All Right

For me, The Kids Are All Right is the least 'worthy' winner of Best Picture. It's very good, that's for sure – but it feels like it got the nomination more for it's left-wing 'OMG lesbians have issues too!' storyline more than it's actual quality. Annette Bening's nod for her role is well deserved, although I feel Julianne Moore has been a little overlooked – she's equally as good as the other half of the relationship. Mark Ruffalo is also superb, playing the guy you think you're supposed to like, but slowly revealing that's he's actually a silly dick. It's good for sure, but it's definitely not even in the same league as the other 9 nominations.

9 = Winter's Bone

It feels obscene to be ranking Winter's Bone in at number 9, as it's fantastic. It's a real old-school slow-burning thriller, with a couple of absolutely stellar performances from Jennifer Lawrence, and, in particular, John Hawkes. While my money's on Christian Bale to take Best Supporting Actor (and it's not undeserved, either), Hawkes would be a better recipient. His turn as Teardrop is astonishing; he flicks from possibly murderous-psychopath to saviour-and-hero in the blink of an eye.

8 = The Fighter

I have to be honest, I hate Sports Movies. I don't even like Boxing that much. What's the point in punching people in the face if you're wearing big soft gloves? Fruits. Anyway, this just furthers the point of how good The Fighter is – yes, it's another triumph-against-adversity sports movie, but it's somehow elevated above the Rockys of the world. There's some cracking performances on display – Christian Bale, Amy Adams and Melissa Leo are all amazing, which unfortunately shows up Mark Wahlberg's wooden-as-usual performance. Actually, that's a little harsh – he's just playing the 'straight man' against some fantastic acting.

7 = The King's Speech

I'm expecting The King's Speech to sweep the board tonight – it's Oscars gold. Royalty, disability, triumph over adversity, it's got the lot. And, although it's down at seventh in my list, I'd find it hard to fault such a selection. It's a tremendously well-made. The entire movie is carried on the performances of the three main characters – Colin Firth, Helena Bonham-Carter and Geoffrey Rush – who feature so heavily there's barely anyone else in the film. They're all well-deserving of their nominations.

6 = True Grit

Again, it feels rude to have True Grit at Six – it's an incredible film. It's just testament to how good the ten selections are this year that such an excellent movie finds itself languishing outside of the top 5. The Coens have been teasing a Western for most of their career – in particular, No Country For Old Men – but here's a full-blown proper one, like they just don't make any more. Hailee Steinfeld is amazing, and Jeff Bridges continues being slight variations on The Dude. Not that that's a bad thing, of course.

5 = The Social Network

I still can't get over how good this film was. I still can't figure out how geeks arguing for two hours is such captivating viewing. But this is not 'the facebook movie' many thought it would be; this is the story of a man that created the world's largest tool of social connection that can't function with other humans himself. Fincher's really pulled it out of the bag here, and created a modern classic.

4 = Inception

Christopher Nolan continues to be the finest director of 'blockbusters' around. He makes big-budget, summer box office smashes that are leaps and bounds ahead of the competition. When you consider that other blockbusters are of the quality of The A-Team of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, it demonstrates how far ahead he is. Inception is an absolute stunner.

3 = 127 Hours

Like The Social Network, this was another film I could not see working. How could a guy stuck under a rock for 90 minutes be exciting, until he starts lopping an arm off? Especially when it's James Franco, a guy I'd never seen anything special from, and after Danny Boyle's massively over-rated Slumdog Millionaire. But this film more than delivered – many people are worried about watching it due to the inevitable arm-lopping scene, but the genius of this film is that, by this point, you're absolutely rooting for him to do it. It takes a special kind of film to have you jumping up shouting “YEAH! Snap that bone! Go on!”. And this is that film.

2 = Toy Story 3

I wonder if Pixar will ever make a bad film. I mean, their worst film is Cars, and that's still fantastic. A bad Pixar movie is like a bad blowjob... it's still a blowjob. And Toy Story 3, well, it's like the... actually, I'm going to discontinue the oral sex metaphor here, as it feels distinctly inappropriate when discussing what is ostensibly a kid's film. But Toy Story 3 is a wonderful movie, and – I think I may have to say it – the end to the finest trilogy of films ever made. Yeah, I said it. Get flaming, Star Wars geeks.

1 = Black Swan

Despite what I've said about this list being full of some amazing movies, there was only one clear winner. Anyone who knows me may already know that I'm a little gay for Darren Aronofsky. For me, he's without doubt the greatest living director. This is his fifth film, and it's his fifth masterpiece. This film a astonishing; a grand-guignol horror that will leave you so tense you will ache by the time the film is over. I honestly pity anyone who went in expecting a movie about ballet; this is an all-out assault on the senses. Just incredible.