Yeah, that's right: Pop songs. I like pop songs. Well, some of them. Most of the charts are populated by autotuned gash churned out by dribbling mongoloid meatsacks with a haircut. But that's what makes a good pop song special; it occupies a genre aimed primarily at kids and idiots, but transcends it to become something much more awesome. So here's my pick of last year's singles.
10 = Christina Aguilera – Not Myself
It has to be said that Christina's comeback album Bionic was a bit gash. The main problem with it was exemplified by the video for this single – she's been out of the game so long that her throne has been occupied by people like Lady Gaga and Rihanna, so she came back, desperately whining 'ooh look at me! I'm still dirty! Look! I'm weird too!', totally forgetting that what made her last two albums ace was her unwillingness to follow the crowd. This single is still pretty rocking, but it was a pretty poor return.Watch the video here
9 = Saturdays – Ego
I've picked this song, but I'm about 90% that the only reason it's on this list is because all the band are dressed up as superheroes in the video. I couldn't even actually tell you what the song sounds like, to be honest. I'm guessing it sounds like Girls Aloud, but not as good.Watch the video here
8 = Take That – SOS
Barlow and Co have obviously listened to Muse quite a lot in the last year, as you could sneak this song onto The Resistance and the only thing that would make you realise it was someone else would be Mark Owen's nails-down-chalkboard fucking awful voice whining out of the speakers. It's some cracking epic pop music regardless.Watch the video here
7 = Katy Perry – Firework
Oh Katy, how I love you. With your unbelievably catchy songs, and your amazing boobs that seem to launch different things in each video, you are a star. I mean, you've caught scabby AIDs by shagging Russell Brand, but even that doesn't make me love you any less. I can't imagine anything that could. Apart from releasing songs that don't sound like this, but sound like Teenage Dream instead. That made me want to kick you in the tits.Watch the video here
6 =B.o.B ft Hayley Williams – Airplanes
I'm one of those people that unashamedly loves Paramore. They're amazing. I have a Paramore t-shirt nestled in my wardrobe next to ones for Katatonia and Emperor. I don't care. Fuck You. And Hayley Williams' guest spot on B.o.B's album made this one of the singles of the year. Even if I have to shout 'IT'S AEROPLANES, YOU STUPID GINGER TWAT' every time she hits the chorus. Airplane. What the fuck? That's like Moocow. Mong.Watch the video here
5 = Plan B – She Said
Ah, Plan B, the man who gets bored of musical styles after one album and completely shifts genre. Fair play to him though; he does it brilliantly. I'm pretty sure he chooses them by just pulling genres out of a hat and mashing them together. “Okay, first album is... acoustic... grime. Awesome. Second album... soul... rap... concept album. Let's go. Album three... Dubstep... klezmer. Get in!'. I just hope one of the middle-class housewvies who bought this album goes and picks up Who Needs Actions When You Got Words as well; if the opening salvo of 'Yeah, it's my time now, you get me... you fucking cunts' to a song about teenagers fucking should put some look on their face.Watch the video here
4 = Robyn – Dancing On My Own
Robyn doesn't half churn out some crap, but when she hits, she hits hard. There's usually about one or two tracks on each album that are brilliant, and this, from one part of her Body Talk albums, is the best of the bunch. It's an absolutely killer track, one of those cracking pop songs with pretty depressing lyrics, that you don't actually notice because you're too busy drunkenly dancing your tits off.Watch the video here
3 = Lady Gaga – Telephone
And no, I'm not putting Lady Gaga & Beyonce, because Beyonce is fucking gash and brings nothing to this song. Although it was quite funny seeing her stood next to Gaga in the video. She looked like she was suffering from gigantism. And kudos to the always-fantastic Jonas Akerlund for freezing her in the most unflattering poses, and then winding them back and forth. You crazy metalhead you. Anyway, enough about Beyonce, Gaga's still one of the finest pop stars the world has ever seen, and this single (and the aforementioned video) just reinforce that fact.Watch the video here
2 = Cee-Lo Green – Fuck You
I'd argue that Cee-Lo Green was responsible for the finest pop single of the 'naughties' with Crazy. Fuck, I hate saying 'naughties'. Ten fucking years and no-one came up with a better name for them than that. I'm glad they've gone, stupid nameless decade. Fuck you.Oh yeah, Cee-Lo. Well, as I was saying, he was responsible for the finest pop song of the last decade with Crazy, and he's already staked a pretty good claim for best pop song of this decade with Fuck You. It's just perfect. Absolutely perfect. So why isn't it Number One? Well, by rights it should be, but this song completely broke me over Christmas and now won't leave my brain. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
Watch the video here
1 = Duck Sauce – Barbra Streisand
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